Over the years beard trends that suck have come and gone. But some suck more than others!

You would be forgiven for thinking that sculpting the perfect beard was a walk in the park. Today, practically 99 percent of the male population believe they can pull off centuries-old beard trends with nothing more than a razor, mirror, and half-an-hour lunch break.

Individuality is a wonderful gift and sure, a beard can be a beautiful extension of who you are, but sometimes beards can really suck. Right off the bat, we would like to be clear that we’re not referring to the odd don’t-give-a-f#ck beard days. These days happen to the best of us and, being mere mortals, the bad beard day can be forgiven. We’re talking instead about beard styles that are right up there with man buns, cheesy slogan T-shirts, body odour, and three-quarter-length trousers (yes, all four of these still exist).

Women across the globe will agree that a strong, well-shaped full beard can be sexy as shit. Think Momoa, Clooney, Wolverine, and Jackman. They have panties dropping at their feet. In fact, a celebrity is often to blame for starting a facial hair trend in the first place. Just seconds after the first episode of Game of Thrones was aired, shaving companies quickly jumped on the beard bandwagon, creating all sorts of magic devices with dragon-fire power, claiming a razor can change your face (and fate) with a simple shave. Um, not true. Just like man buns are best left to the Beckhams of the world, not all beard trends look good on everyone. So which beard trends exactly are we referring to? We’ve counted down the top five beard trends that suck more than Valentina Nappi.

“He who sacrifices his beard for a woman deserves neither” ― Anonymous

Anything from the 18th century

Abraham Lincoln made beards popular in the eighteen hundreds. The Crimean War meant no shaving cream or soap was available so men let their facial hair run amok. Sure, they had their reasons back then but with a whole industry of products designed to pamper your whiskers, with a dazzling array of beard oils, conditioners, combs, and trimmers, there is no reason to walk around with Charles Dickens’ trademark “door knocker” beard, or worse, Ambrose Burnside. It’s gross. No wonder Burnside got an ass whipping at the Battle of Fredericksburg and the Battle of the Crater.

“All the men in my family were born bearded, and most of the women.” ― W. C. Fields

The French Fork – and no, it’s not a sex position

With all due respect to the French, this beard has got to be the most ridiculous beard ever created. It’s characterised by hair extending past the chin and splitting down the middle into two segments and is named for the fact that original French forks only had two prongs. Cutlery issues aside, the French Fork has no place in modern history.

The Handlebar

It’s no wonder growing out handlebars is one of the most searched for topics on the Internet. Growing a handlebar to full maturity requires about three months of sheer dedication. In a nutshell, the handlebar is a large moustache that extends beyond above the lips. As this is not quite on par with our topic of beards, the handlebar is often combined with a beard – hence it’s inclusion in our list. While the handlebar itself is not a tragic trend, what happens in the stages leading up to full maturity is. As the hairs get longer, regular combing or brushing is required to train the hair to grow in the desired direction. Many men, however, lack staying power and drooping occurs. Unless you are 100 percent committed to seeing this trend through the very last whisker, we suggest you throw in the towel now before it’s too late.

“A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice.” ― Craig Brown

“The scruffier your beard, the sharper you need to dress.” – Ashton Kutcher

The Neck Beard

Who would have guessed that Neckbeard is actually a pejorative term and stereotype for men who exhibit characteristics such as social awkwardness, underachievement, or pretentiousness. In its truest form, a neckbeard is achieved intentionally by shaving all areas of the face above the jawline, leaving a beard that exists solely on the neck. Why any man would want to do such a thing is beyond us, but alas, it happens. Don’t do it!

The Beard For The Sake Of A Beard

Granted, Jase Robertson was able to pull this look off but Roberston is not you. Keep that in mind before attempting this trend we were happy to see the back of. In a nutshell, this beard is simply a haggard slump of pubic-like facial hair. Looking like Santa Clause is not sexy – unless you are carrying a sack of diamonds on your back women are not going to sit on your lap and whisper in your ear if you have a beard for the sake of a beard. Period.

“I’m a pretty clean eater, so my beard probably just smells like the blood of my enemies.” ― Eric Hendrixson

The Long And Short Of It

So there you have it folks…all the beard trends that you really want to steer clear of. Drop us a line and let us know what your worst beard trend is. And for the woman reading this…

“Stroke it often. Bury your face in it. Help him groom it. Compliment him on the size. Let him enjoy the attention from it. That’s beard love.”

PS: Grow With Care, Wear With Pride!

Beard Trends That Suck